a bad night

I'm lonely tonight. Missing my husband a lot. I know, I know, after 4.5 years shouldn't I be past this... sorry that is a no go. I think of him, remember him, want to turn and share a joke with him daily. Sometimes I relive the night I lost him. Goddess what a horrible night that was, I remember it in fragments, us saying I love you, reaching out to hold hands because he hurt to much to cuddle up close to, listening to the cpap machine regulating his breathing, drifting off. Coming awake because the cpap sounds funny, nudging him to get him to adjust the mask. And him not responding. That utter quiet. The nightmare quality when I turned on the lights & realized that it wasn't saran wrap on his face, it was his dried out contact lens stuck to his eye... shiver... yelling, screaming, crying, trying to give him cpr while I was trying to call 911

Begging him not to leave me, to come back, to take a breath... the pounding at the door, the emt's taking over.. Trying to calm down and make phone calls to the right people. The pain & then the mind numbing shock. More people arriving, asking my friend Maura if she would give Jeff Wiccan death rites, no one wanted me to go out in the living room where they had moved him to. Me insisting on going out & kissing him good by before they took him away.

Fritz, Kyra, Chuck & Maura helping corral the cats, pack my bags & making sure the right calls were completed. Fritz & Kyra taking me away. Fritz sedating me, holding me while I cried. A night of shimmering agony...

Being woken the next day by Willow to get me to eat & drink something, anything. Goddess what a wretched, wretched feeling, wanting to be dead with him then deciding I couldn't go because then there would be no one to take care of the cats. Choosing to live as long as the cats needed me.

I'm still not sure I will survive the cats, ya know.....