My tastes (see tongue firmly in cheek here)

I realized that I haven't put much up here about the physical me & my tastes. So to ensure that everyone knows where to go for my birthday here's a little list (wicked evil grin)

First things first; I do not expect anyone to ever use the information herein, I did it basically as an exercise in what would I do for myself if I had unlimited funds. Had a lot of fun doing it. It is amazing just how wide the imagination can swing when one decides never to look at a price tag. I put this up only so that those who care about me will enjoy seeing what I would do if I could go crazy right now. I truly am not so mercenary that I would expecy folks to go to Nordies for me. Giggle, but my how I can spend if I'm not looking.

Someday I dream of a pegnoir set from Cash's of Ireland. And I'm still working on convincing myself that I can't buy shoes at Payless anymore - Jeff used to yell at me for abusing my feet with cheap shoes.. honey if you are looking down at me well I'm still trying to pay attention to you. sigh

I'm 5'5", use a cane, have red hair & changeable eyes (green to blue). I'm what you would call voluptous or curvy or plush. Fat is not the correct term as my weight is fairly evenly distributed along the length of me. Now that I've lost the first 45 pounds, I realize that my clothes aren't fitting as well. Unfortunately until the government coughs up some cash I'm going to be a bit shabby in outsized clothes... There are much worse things in this life to have happen to one.

I wear a size 20 or 2x. (I like a roomie cut). Shoes are a 7.5 M (narrow heeled if possible). I'll have to get back to you with my glove size, but rings are 5.5-6.5 depending on the finger, necklaces should be 16" to 18" chains. I'm not into yellow gold so don't bother with it, silver, white gold, platinum however can definitely make me grin.

I love jewel tones and when it comes to jewelry; dark blue gems, sapphires & Opals are high on my lists. I've pierced ears. My hair is currently rather short, but for the right person (aka somebody who helps me take care of it) I might be convinced to let it grow.

I have a wish list at a few of these places..

Barnes & Noble

Amazon.com

http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/N9IA1CZKS715/ref=lst_llp_wl-go

Target

http://www.target.com/lists/1RFE21KXRG2UQ/

Nordstroms.

http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/2957802?tuid=00000377-0073-0865-7769-73686c697374&styleid=2957802&URL=http%253a%252f%252fshop.nordstrom.com%252fS%252f2957802%253fSourceID%253d1%2526refcat%253d0%25257e2376778%25257e2372808%25257e2372949%25257e2372955%2526SlotID%253d2%2526refsid%253d213286_1%2526origin%253drelated%2526addtobasketlocation%253dproduct&addItem=1

I love perfumes from Black Phoenix Alchemical Labs, many of their offerings are available as .5ml "imps" which are fairly inexpensive aka $15 per. So if you see something there that you think you might like the smell of, send it to me with a request that I wear it when next we meet.. I might just comply. (Wink)

• http://www.blackphoenixalchemylab.com/welcome.html
• Mead Moon, their new product sounds delightful

Date report

Well, finally, another new date; have to say, I honestly like this guy. Very nice, sweet, attentive, relaxed in himself & not pushing for me to answer the issues in his life. He's ex-navy, as was my daddy so he wins extra rounds on that one.

Polite, well mannered, a little shy, but not overly so. We had a lovely sushi dinner & went to see the Hulk (newest version). Things, I believe, went well. At least he asked me if I would be interested in getting together next Monday or Tuesday, so I don't think I scared him off.

A funny comment struck me during the evening, he said that I was prettier than he had expected. I accept the compliment, but continue to be surprised by it. I haven't considered myself pretty as it were, since before Jeff died. Maybe it is the pain, but I don't see it. But he sure seemed to think so, (as did Jeff) - an omen of things to come?

Don't know but I'm looking forward to the adventure of really getting to know him. Hope he'll have as much fun getting to know me.

Living outside time

Since I was laid off (disability complications in 2003) I have lived not attached to a clock. It is an odd feeling to look up at the calendar & not be able to remember what day it is; nor know what time it is. Time slips thru our fingers so easily; after so many years locked to the clock this is a gentle blessing of my new life.

I know the pain killers help me lose "track of time", but it is more than that. I can go thru a day with no awareness of whether I woke in morning or afternoon. I literally live in a place outside of time. My only measures are: my med count for my pain pills, Adrienne nagging me to eat, the cats' food/water dishes & ah yes the big one, the condition of the litter box. Insert pained grin here, yes indeedie the girls have their ways of letting me know about the passage of time. {The litter box lives in my room for them, as do their dishes, so there is no escaping to the next room to avoid the odor... nasty}

So while I'm no longer invested in the rat race, I am definitely vested in the cat pace. Long lingering naps & lie abouts with special attention to diet, exercise & grooming. Ah, yes, now I know why the looked so relaxed all these years..

The cats they truly are smarter than people - they already live outside time...

Scattered thoughts in the night

Sometimes when it's late, you find yourself chasing thoughts in the dark. It's not an easy process folks. The little things scurry under the bed to join the dust mice & the cat hiding from something unpleasant. At least they are worried that it will be unpleasant. Like my Tabitha when she hears the vaccuum monster start. She's quite certain if she stays out in the light that she'll be swooped away & eaten by the monsterous machine. She won't be, but even now 13 years after the fact she is still certain that she is right & my assurances are wrong.

Goddess to have such faith in yourself, in your instincts. Unfortunately that is not the way of mankind. We do have doubts & when an instinct says we are unsafe we oft times freeze, like a doe in headlights.

I don't want to be frozen. But I surely do feel the light is on me right now. Not long ago I made the decision to try out several dating websites. It is an uncomfortable awkward process, but I screwed up my courage & took the plunge. For the most part it has been an easy enough process, answer some questions, write some essays & wait for names to drop from the sky (at least drop whenever the connection gods are kind). But then there are the hard ones. Like the gentleman who posted in answer to what he wanted in a woman "younger than me"... he put "don't care" pretty much for all other questions about the female to be his mate to be. Ahem, ok, so he wants someone young & breathing... no other filtering or qualifications. An essay just bound to make any woman feel like that special someone... then I looked more closely at his age & location.... ahem 74 & Anchorage.... sigh. I guess he really is that desparate... but with that qualifier it seems funny. Without that it just seems sad. But even sadder is the fact that I see a significant number of postings that are just that wide open.

How sad & empty a life must be to not have any idea at all of what one wants in a partner. Physical issues aren't big factors to me. But ethical issues & internal views have tremendous impact. One possible match told me how brave I must be because I filled out every essay. I was completely surprised, I responded that actually I was fairly shy. I figured answering the questions was my duty as part of the social contract here. We all joined because we were lonely, the least I could do was give potential friends a clear view as to who & what I am.

Then I found the sad/hard part. Someone attacked me out of the blue. Hurtful comments, telling me to go crawl under a rock where I belonged... Definitely not what I expected from someone on a maybe we should meet site. I always figured if you didn't want to meet someone all you did was not send them mail. I guess for this person that there are other positions on this to hold. Funnily enough it hurts, even now & it happened hours ago.

Why do people need to strike out at others? Why be hateful & hurtful? Does it really gain them anything? I guess I really am out of touch because I just don't get it.

There is a different man, one I've met in person just once, who is putting what feels like a huge amount of pressure on me. Based upon my statement that when I'm in a long term relationship again I'll insist on the same 30 minutes us time that I shared with my husband (before his death), this man has decided to call me a day later & demand 30 minutes on the phone. One meeting does not a long term relationship make. It feels presumptuous to me, as if he's invading my space. Then I got all tangled up in whether I'm being fair to him... but wait what about fair to me. When he called he wanted to know all about whom I'd talked to, whether I was still looking at the boards or responding to matches. When I answered honestly he started pushing, hard, about my responses to folks, very judgemental. I don't get where he comes off feeling that he has the perogative to tell me how to communicate or whom I can communicate with.

There has been email from men asking me to dominate them, have phone sex with them, and a surprising number who are just alone & lonely wanting to know how to go about meeting a woman. Has Aspbergers taken over the land?

I know that I'm lonely because I am both widowed & no longer working in the outside world. But to find so many with regular jobs who are so lonely as well saddens me. What are we coming to as a people that we walk blindly into the night baring our souls looking for some conversation & companionship. Have we forgotten how to be a community? When we left school did we disconnect from the human race?

The hostile person called me a loser.. funny while I have most definitely lost something huge from my life *I* myself don't feel like a loser. I'm just someone circumstantially alone, for now. How harsh and how cruel we can be to each other.

Well, I'm going to practice my boundary skills, exile the cruel one & trim the sails on the controlling one. I'm willing to be friends, with most folks and I am looking for someone special, I will use this new tool for enlarging my world. I won't be frightened away into the night or under the bed. I am older & wiser than my cat.